Last night, a very curious thing happened... I received a message from my future self. It may have been a defining moment in my life, if the images I've been presented are true.
First, let me tell you about myself... I'm a forty year old Italian American, living in post-Katrina New Orleans. I'm 6'2", roughly 475 pounds, and working on my second marriage to an extraordinary woman I will call Silverfox. I have two stepsons, Short stuff and Pint Size, whom I absolutely adore, and I am trying my hardest to become a professional writer.
All my life, I have struggled with my weight. Perhaps 'struggled' is too strong a word, because until recently, I've never viewed my weight as an actual problem... in many ways, it's defined who I am. Being big has been a part of who i am for so long, that I simply can't imagine my life any other way. I like to think that the depth of the friendships I've been blessed with over the years have largely been a function of my size. It's like "you must be at least this accepting of my appearance to ride this ride" to become friends with me. It's kept the shallow people in my life at bay without me having to find out about them the hard way.
I will admit, I've also come to enjoy my role in the lives of others as the "fat and funny friend". I've tried to always carry myself with a sense of pride and dignity about my size, despite the continual barrage of messages from the society around me that I should be slimmer, smaller, and more concerned about fitting in with the rest of the world. There are drawbacks to being big... It's difficult fro me to fly on a standard airline... Amusement park rides generally are not designed for someone of my carriage, and it can be a bitch to find clothes in my size. Over the years, I have simply adapted to these challenges, and done my best to remain fit, despite my extra pounds.
Heh... it's difficult for me not to write "extra tonnage" there... I came to the realization a few weeks ago that now that I'm approaching 500 lbs, my weight can be accurately expressed in tonnage for the first time in my life. There's a quarter of a ton of me now.
In the past few weeks, I've also started having health issues I've never had before... and as a reasonable man, I have to accept that these new issues are primarily because of my size, not my age. My back has been bothering me in a way that it never has before, and expelling waste has become increasingly painful. (No, I won't go into more detail) I have sleep apenea, which causes me to have to sleep with a Cpap machine strapped to my face to keep from snoring.
All of this have gotten me to thinking lately about having weight loss surgery. My wife had it years ago, and has often said it was the best decision she's ever made... but I've always felt that having the surgery would make me a quitter... If I was going to shed the pounds, then the way to do it was through better diet and exercise. Nothing worth having is ever easy, after all... and I wanted to know that I had done this amazing thing myself... with no help.
The thing is, I've tried that... and it hasn't worked. Now with my back issues rearing their ugly head, I'm having trouble exercising without severe pain. So, me and Silverfox have started talking about the surgery again. I have been waffling because I'm not sure that I'm emotionally ready to throw in the towel about my own ability to handle my weight issues on my own.
This morning, that's all changed.
For years, i have had precognitive dreams. They are a neat phenomena, but never tell me anything useful. I usually become aware of them in terms of deja-vu, recognizing the scene that is happening around me, and remembering the dream that showed it to me as much as three years before. Things like sitting at the desk at a job I haven't gotten yet, hanging out in the backyard of a friends house that he has yet to buy, and driving the kids to school in a car we don't own yet are the kinds of things that show up in these dreams. Like I say, cool... but generally useless information.
Last night was different... I think that I may have made my first attempt to send myself a deliberate message from the future, and it was about having the weight loss surgery. My future self was telling me that i shouldn't be afraid of having the surgery... and that it will improve my life in ways that I haven't even begun to consider. It will be far easier than I currently believe, and taht I will come out the other side of the experience better for it. In the dream, I made it a point to look at myself in the mirror to show the me of the past that although I will look a lot different, it will still be me looking back from the mirror, wearing a brown sweater and jeans. I also gave myself a good look at Short Stuff, who was about six inches taller than he is now, playing in my aunt's back yard. When I told Silverfox about the dream, she said that was probably my way of letting myself know the time frame... about 2-3 years from now. She also told me I needed to send back some lottery numbers.
I love my wife.
(oddly enough, the last thing I said to myself was, "oh... and those lottery numbers are 8, 24,... no... sorry, chum. I don't think so. That's not what this message is for." Nice to know my sense of humor is intact in the future.)
I figure that there are two ways to look at the "message". Either it was a genuine message from the future, and I need to take it seriously, or my subconsciousness is trying to tell me that I'm ready to have the surgery.
Either way, the "dream" has made up my mind for me... I'm going to seriously pursue losing my extra weight through surgery.
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